Marcus Orr

    There is a certain amount of discouragement and confusion that I’ve come accustomed to living with as a regular part of my life.  I’m not sure if I have regrets that haven’t been reconciled or if I merely have a personality of discontentment.  Either way, it doesn’t seem to be a healthy way to live.  Most often, the focus of these feelings seems to center on my present vocation. 

For half a decade, I’ve worked as a deputy sheriff.  Most of my time in law enforcement has been spent as a domestic violence investigator.  I’m good at it.  I can identify with the emotions involved for both the victims and perpetrators.  And, I have the patience to listen.  Many officers don’t.  They don’t care about the “story” of the relationship and how it transitioned into abuse.  I do.  I’m fascinated by the story.  I want to understand why people do the things they do.  Perhaps it’s the counselor in me who wants to understand and help “fix” things.  But, maybe it’s something else.  Sometimes I wonder if being privy to the deepest wounds of others allows me to overlook my own brokenness.  For a brief period, at least while working on a case, someone else’s problems take center stage.  Often the shear magnitude of problems in the cases I deal with far overshadows whatever is going on in my life.  In a strange way, the serious problems of others offer a respite from my own concerns.  A distraction of sorts.  But is this healthy?

Spending my time on the problems of another lets me forget mine for a time.  Yet, while I can encourage and reassure others, I seem ill-equipped to do the same for myself.  I am plagued by self-doubt that remains unaddressed.  I question whether I have veered away from directions I should have gone or opportunities I should have pursued.  I often feel as if I am treading water, waiting on something but know knowing what.  I’m not quite sure how I got to this place in life or where to go from here.  I only know that where I am now is far different than where I once imagined I would be.  I’ve been told by some folks that I over-think things.  So, I’ve tried to think less and act more.  That only seems to add to the confusion.  I’m the sort that needs a well-established purpose in order to appreciate the work.  This is a characteristic that seems not to mesh well with much of the “do as I say without questioning, quasi-military” attitude of many law-enforcement supervisors.  I need to understand why and toward what goal I am working.  Lacking purpose, I doubt the value of my work and consequently, myself.  And I wonder, how did I arrive in this place and will I ever find my way elsewhere?  How did a young seminarian, once bound for the ministry, end up strapping a pistol on every morning to fight a different devil each day?  Will the path I’m on ever merge with the path I intended to take?  Where does this journey lead?

I know that many of my readers will say that these questions and doubts can be answered by turning to God.  On that, I have no doubt.  But give space and time to those who struggle.  Don’t condemn them.  Those who have struggled with depression and doubt know that there is often comfort in the familiarity of continued suffering.  And sometimes, there is found contentment in knowing that darkness eventually makes way for light.  It is the hope for something better that makes things bearable.  It is this hope, that God does have more in store, to which I return when the clamor and noise of life becomes so loud that the mind is easily confused and led astray.  May God speak loudly to both you and I when we find ourselves in this place.

I am a history buff.  I’m also drawn to the unusual and interesting.  It was likely only a matter of time until my curiosity turned to Freemasonry.  My grandfather was a Mason.  I didn’t know him very well and he died when I was about 16 years old.  I know virtually nothing about his involvement in masonry, except that he was also a Shriner and had a masonic funeral service.  The funeral service was interesting and I tucked its memory in the back of my head.  I didn’t give Freemasonry much consideration until about a year ago when I became intrigued by the number of my coworkers in law enforcement who wore masonic rings.  It was then that the memory of his funeral and those mysterious Masons came back to me.

For the last year, I’ve watched and read everything I could find about Freemasonry.  There is a lot of information out there – especially on the internet – and much of it bad.  I was captivated by the History Channel shows on Freemasonry.  I ffinally expressed my interest to a fellow officer and Mason who lent me the book, The Freemasons: A History of the Worlds Most Powerful Secret Society by Jasper Ridley.  It provided a good overview of masonic history without focusing on conspiracy theories.  After Ridley’s book, my interest was piqued even more and I began reading everything I could get my hands on, both positive and negative.  The rich history, philosophy and fraternal aspects of Freemasonry were fascinating to me.  I became convinced that I wanted to become a Mason.  So began my journey in masonry.

One of the things that I picked up on in my reading is the fact that masonic lodges do not recruit.  I kept coming across the phrase, “To be one, ask one.”  I approached one of my coworkers, who provided me with a petition for membership.  I spoke with several others whom I knew to be masons and they all agreed to provide references for my petition.  A short time after submitting my petition, my wife and I had a meeting with an “investigative committee” at our home.  Despite how ominous that sounds, it’s actually not a bad experience.  A couple of older gentlemen visited with us for an hour or so to tell us more about the organization, learn a bit about who I am, and answer any questions for us.  I learned that they would make their recommendation to the lodge and my petition would be voted upon.  I eagerly waited to hear back from them, only to receive one of the biggest disappointments I’ve ever experienced.  Someone voted against my petition and I was rejected from the lodge.  One of the traditions in masonry is that all voting is done by secret ballot.  Members vote on a petitioner by means of dropping a white or black ball/cube.  The term “blackballed” comes from this practice.  It only takes one black ball/cube to reject someone (I understand that some jurisdictions require three black ball votes to reject a petitioner).  Someone voted against me.  I received a hand delivered letter informing me that I had been rejected and enclosed with it another petition and invitation to petition the same or another lodge after six months.  I can’t explain how terrible it feels to receive that sort of rejection.  I had been told throughout the process that no one could recall anyone being rejected that had great recommendations and had the recommendation of the investigative committee.  Being rejected was something that hadn’t really crossed my mind before I opened that letter.  My mind immediately ran a thousand different directions.  What had I done?  What was wrong with me?  Who had I offended?  I couldn’t think of anyone I knew in that lodge with whom I’ve ever had any personal or professional problems.  Some of my mason friends expressed their disappointment in the vote and some speculated that the black ball came from a coworker and may or may not have had anything to do with me.  I’ll probably never know who or why.  I only wish that if someone voted against me because I have offended or wronged them, they would come to me personally.  I thought that my journey had ended before it started.  I was surprised by the support I received from those who had recommended me and other masons I knew.  Several encouraged me to petition again.  I waited the requisite time and petitioned another local lodge.

I share my experiences in hopes of encouraging anyone that has had a similar experience to mine.  On March 18, 2010, I became an entered apprentice at Thomas M. Holt Lodge No. 492 in Graham, NC.  I completed my 1st degree catechism last week.  I’m scheduled for the 2nd Fellowcraft degree in a few days.  Since joining the lodge, I have been impressed by the kindness and friendship that has been shown to me by its members.  I look forward to working my way through the degrees and learning more about masonry and my new lodge brothers.

I have learned a great deal in my reading and have some recommendations for anyone who wants to know more about freemasonry. 

A Pilgrim’s Path by John J. Robinson – Good intro to Freemasonry, particularly in the U.S.  The author was not a Mason when he began researching for the book, but became a Mason as a result and concludes the book with his thoughts on his experiences.

Born in Blood by John J. Robinson – Interesting examination of Freemasonry origins and possible connections with the Knights Templar Order and revolution in Great Britain.  This book is well written and exciting to read.

The Origins of Freemasonry: Scotland’s Century 1590 to 1710 by David Stevenson PhD – The most probable origins of Freemasonry as traced from surviving historical documents.  Not as exciting to read, but thorough and informative.

Solomon’s Builders by Chris Hodapp – This book focuses on Freemasonry’s influence on the the founding fathers of the U.S. and the development of Washington D.C.  This would be a great book to read before taking a trip to D.C.

The Newly-Made Mason: What He and Every Mason Should Know About Masonry by H.L. Haywood – A must read for the “Newly-Made” Mason.  The author does a great job explaining the origins, history, philosophy, symbolism and organization of Freemasonry.